It’s That Time of the Year Again

Today is Father’s Day here in the US.  That wonderful day the industrial greeting card-making complex ruthlessly lobbied for until President Lyndon Johnson finally caved in 1966, issuing a Presidential proclamation to give the holiday some semblance of legitimacy.

(Later, in 1972, President Richard “Tricky Dicky” Nixon, another Hallmark toady (he glommed onto them after Gerber dropped him), signed Father’s Day into law.  Dark days indeed.)

I don’t know what’s so great about it.  I’m a dad and I’ve gotten zilch.  My kids haven’t wished me a happy Father’s Day.  They haven’t even given me a card or a gift!  

They did wake me up at 3am this morning. At first I thought they were just overly excited about Father’s Day.  Turns out they just wanted their diapers changed.  And would they do it themselves?  No!  They expected us to do it!  Lazy bums.  Why else would they have opposable thumbs if not to use them for diaper changes??  

(Being a team player, I helped my wife by grabbing the nearest two diapers and handing them to her before going back to bed.  Partners for life, baby!  Hey, don’t look at me like that!  It’s Father’s Day, remember?)

Oh, and don’t you tell me they’re only toddlers and I should cut them some slack!  That’s the root of this nation’s problems: cutting kids slack.

Have you noticed this?  

Kids running up and down the theater aisle in the middle of the movie, screaming while mom and/or dad just carry on chatting as if these weren’t their spawn acting inappropriately.  

(If I were writing a movie about kids running up and down the theater aisle in the middle of a movie (how very meta of me), there would be consequences.  Oh yes, dire consequences.)

Kids loitering on my freshly mowed lawn, the tops of their pants hovering at ankle-level because that’s “the style” and their parents haven’t thrashed better fashion sense into them.  Belts are making a comeback, by the way.  Belts with big buckles and metal studs.  I can’t wait.

(If belts aren’t to your liking, I have an alternate, five-word solution for this attire issue: Neon pink Strawberry Shortcake Underoos.)

Kids throwing a temper-tantrum at the mobile phone store because you won’t get them the Unlimited Data and Texting plan.  I’ve got a plan for them.  Unlimited Thrashings!

(And don’t get me started about kids and their texting!)

I won’t even dip my toe in the septic water that is the music kids listen to today.  Secondhand exposure to that stuff probably violates several clauses of the Geneva Convention.

Kids today need discipline.  And an instilled sense of respect for all their elders who don’t work for a greeting card company.  Formation marching is a good place to start.

Don’t get me wrong, this will be no walk in the park (and frankly, that’s the whole point).  I know it isn’t easy to teach formation marching to kids.  I’ve experienced this firsthand with my two toddlers.  But there isn’t a problem (with kids) in the world that a little formation marching doesn’t fix.  That and bagpipes lessons.  Ah, those haunting notes bring back wonderful childhood memories.

Today’s parents need to step up if we’re going to raise a generation that will rise up against and throw off the shackles of the industrial greeting card-making complex.  Will it require patience, effort, and yes, even love?  You betcha.  But we are strong enough to do it, to dig down deep and find those unpleasant requirements within us, because we’re Americans and it needs doing.

Happy Father’s Day!

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