I’ll tell you a secret.
I’m 35 years old and I don’t have a driver’s license.
Yep, you read that right.
People always freak out when I tell them that. In this day and age, and where I live, this is not the norm. We have a crappy public transit system, so driving is really necessary. Which sucks for someone like me.
Here’s the condensed version. When I was 15, I went through the standard Driver’s Ed training. That was a joke, because I got, at most, three hours on the road. And I had severe anxiety, having never behind the wheel before. The instructor told my parents that I was not in any way ready to drive. I needed more time. So, the following year, we gave it another shot, and I was still unable to complete the training.
Over the next ten years, I’d gone through private instruction and practice on my own (with a licensed driver, of course), and at one point (I believe I was 25), I attempted to take the driving test.
I flunked, and here is why. I have a condition called Duane’s Retraction Syndrome, which is a fancy way of saying that I have a paralyzed eye muscle in each eye. Looking straight at something is not a problem, but if I look to the right or left with just my eyes, I see double. This might not sound like a big deal, but when you’re moving fast and every second counts, it’s really hard to tell the real image from the duplicate image. I almost got into an accident on the freeway because I looked behind me, saw double, and didn’t see the car next to me. Dangerous? Hell yeah.
Backing up, parking, and changing lanes have always been challenging for me. The way the test is set up, you take the parking portion first (which includes parallel parking, which is the hardest thing for me) and if you flunk that part (which I did), they won’t let you take the road test portion. You’re done. And I was very confident in my road driving, but never got the chance because of the way they set up the test. I also had been suffering from a severely pulled eye muscle after practicing parking all morning before I took the test. Being the trooper (or idiot) I am, I decided to take the test anyway.
So, I flunked and that was that.
Then, in 2002, I began having problems with my balance. I’d get really dizzy and have trouble walking, especially in the dark or uneven terrain. Forget about movie threaters. To this day, I still get nervous being in one. Well, to make that long story short, it was determined that the Duane’s was affecting the way my brain interpreted my environment. It was also determined that I’d had it since birth, and it simply became more noticable to me after being diagnosed with fibromyalgia. A sinus infection brought this all to the fore, strangely enough. Bottom line? I had anxiety about driving while dizzy, so I took a (long) break from it.
Which leads me to the present day.
I’m very, very lucky. I have a wonderful, supportive family that pretty much gets me where I need to go. The majority of it falls to my Mom and my husband. Because of my husband’s work schedule, I can’t depend on him to get me to and from work and to and from the many doctors’ appointments I have in any given week. My Mom, bless her soul, is getting older and at some point, she will probably have to stop driving, thus leaving me in the lurch.
Cab fare is horrendously expensive and our buses run on wacked out times. I can’t walk everywhere. We’d go broke paying cab fare. The time came for me to seriously consider driving again.
So I started practicing again recently. I drive almost every single day, and I’m going slow and steady so I don’t overwhelm myself or panic. Right now, I’m driving in our subdivision, getting myself lost and then finding my way back again. I go on different streets and make turns at random so I have plenty of variety. So far, I feel really good about this.
My husband has been invaluable to me during this time. He is the best driving instructor ever. His patience and zen-like calm help me stay focused and unafraid.
This time around feels different to me. It could be time and distance. It could be that something has finally clicked in my head. Or, as I’d like to believe, I’m finally ready to get my license.
See, failure for me is never an option. I work hard at everything and I refuse to quit. If I ever do, it’s after giving it everything I’ve got. And then some. So I decided that this was it — I’m going to accept nothing less than success. I want that license in my hands. I want my independence. But most of all, I want to prove to myself that I can do this after twenty years. Yes, that’s right. Twenty years have gone by.
It’s going to be a long road ahead, and I am not deluding myself. I might have setbacks. I might get scared. But I have to try to make this happen. I can’t let fear rule me, as it did all these years. People with more severe disabilities have managed to learn. It’s about compensating for my weaknesses, taking my time, and building a good foundation.
I know I can do this. I will not fail. Finally, after so long, I believe with everything in me that I will succeed.