1-800-HAUNTME

by Kit Campbell

 

Xavier had just connected when Amy burst in, blood staining his hands. “Quick! Do we have any more chickens?”

Xavier held up one hand. “Spell out the following,” he instructed into his headset. “Do not seek what is not meant to be known.” A pause. “Yes, I know it’s long. No, I don’t feel like spelling out crushes tonight. Just do it, okay? Hold on.” He pulled the headset off his ears. “How can you be out of chickens already? I gave you five.”

“Well, there’s not a lot of blood in a chicken.”

Xavier rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Are you giving her her schedule again?”

“No,” said Amy. “All right, yes. But in my defense, you should see her. She’s a mess. She’d never get to class on time if I didn’t remind her.”

“Amy, darling, this is supposed to be a demonic possession. Blood oozing down the mirror spelling out threatening messages. You reminding her to get to her classes is not threatening. And what was it last month? A pick-me-up after a bad date?”

“It’s still oozing in blood.”

Xavier sighed. “Maybe I’ll give you paint,” he murmured. “Would the difference be obvious?”

“Harder to clean,” Amy supplied helpfully. “Maybe a nice dry-erase marker—”

Isham popped up from behind Xavier’s desk. “They exorcised me again.

“I am on a call here!” Xavier groaned and picked his headset back up. “Better transfer them to Hezekiah. I’ve got to deal with this. Thanks.” He put the headset back down, giving Isham a look. “Again? That’s the second time this month.”

Isham flopped across Xavier’s desk. “They used sage and everything. Salt at the doors and the windows.”

“Holy water?” asked Amy sympathetically.

“Not this time.” Isham slid pitifully onto the floor. “I guess after it didn’t take permanently last time they decided to leave religion out of it. What am I to do? He just got the new iPhone. Have you seen that thing? It’s huge and it makes funny noises.”

Xavier ran his hands down his face. “Isham. You’ve got to stop messing with their stuff. You’re not a poltergeist. You haven’t passed your license test yet. Noises only.”

“Noises are booooring,” came Isham’s voice from the floor behind the desk. “Have you seen the stuff they have now? Running water! Indoors! I had to walk to the well twice a day back in my day, and it took forever. And they have their own portable demons in those phones! They talk to them and they talk back. I would have killed for a demon when I was alive.”

“For the last time, they’re not demons in there, they’re, uh, well, not demons. We would have to authorize that sort of thing, and nothing’s come through on that channel.”

“Angels, maybe?” Amy scratched one curved horn. “They are pretty helpful.”

“No way,” said Isham. “Have you heard them try to give directions? Definitely demons.”

“Anyway, it doesn’t matter.” Xavier pushed to his feet. “The point is, Amy, that you cannot be helpful to your human, no matter how much she needs it. And Isham, you must stop touching your humans’ stuff.”

“But it’s coooool.”

“We have a job to do here, guys. Humans expect us to be scary, but not too scary. They want just a little bit of a chill on the back of their necks. A tingle to remind them that the world is big and interesting and full of things they don’t understand. We can’t just do whatever we want.” Xavier steepled his hands in front of him. “All right. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m re-assigning both of you.”

Both Amy and Isham gasped. “But…but she’s got yoga tonight!” Amy said.

“She will need to find a way to deal with her own schedule.” Xavier looked over at Isham. “I’m assigning you to Amy’s human. You don’t need to have a poltergeist license for a demonic possession, and it’ll let you touch things. But within moderation, please, Isham. And try to only go through one chicken a day.”

“But—”

“No buts, Amy. If you wanted to take care of a human, you should have applied to the guardian angel division.”

Amy crossed his arms over his chest. “They don’t let you talk to the humans there either,” he grumbled.

“Right!” Xavier placed both hands on Amy’s shoulder and guided him into the chair Xavier had just vacated. “Since you want to talk to humans, congratulations, you’ve been promoted to Ouija board.”

Amy brightened. “Really? Wait, will I have to be all weird and cryptic?”

“You can remind them about their yoga, for all I care.” Xavier clapped once. “Any questions? No. Excellent. Go forth and do my bidding.”

Isham pushed himself off the floor. “Does your human have an iPhone?” he asked Amy. “Well, I guess my human, now.”

“Just go, Isham.”

Isham sighed heavily and vanished. Amy stared down at the headset before hesitantly picking it up. “What will you do?” he asked Xavier.

“Me?” Xavier smiled. “I think I’ve earned a nice, easy haunting.”

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