Continuing my Year of No Fear series, I’d like to talk about photography.
My grandfather was a photographer who had his own darkroom. I didn’t know it until I began studying photography and darkroom work in college. I remember feeling amazed that he’d done the same things I was doing; that it was maybe in our blood.
I’d wanted to pair photography with my Journalism major, to make me more marketable (“hey, I can write and take my own photos!”). However, I ended up learning fine art photography instead. I absolutely loved every minute — from the shooting, to the developing of the film, to printing my own enlargements. It was like magic, really — you have a blank sheet of photo paper that turns into something beautiful instead. I will always love darkroom the most, no matter what I do. It’s where my artistic soul feels most at home. Unfortunately, I’ve had to put my darkroom stuff on hold due to several different factors. (I knew that once I’d graduated from college, I would no longer have access to a darkroom. My fiancé at the time had his own darkroom and I thought, maybe I can do this. It took a lot of time, a lot of work, and a bit of magic, but my dad, my ex-husband, and I made it happen. To this day I still marvel at it. We had no contractor but managed to move an entire wall to create a little “room” for me).
I used to do self-portraits — taking “selfies” before they were a Thing. It was my own way of expressing myself. I’d had a model, my dearest sister, but once she got involved in her schooling (Pharmacy – just as intensive as Med School), she no longer had the time to sit for me. So in desperation, I started photographing myself. And I didn’t believe at the time that I was even pretty enough to be a model — it was just necessity. I had so many ideas requiring people — females in particular — and no one to photograph! So I did a bunch of self-portraits. (I became known for it in college — that and my “haunting” photographs — see, even then, the darkness was peeking through!). I experimented so much, and photographed so much, that I began to really enjoy it. So, after all was said and done, I continued to do it. And I did until about 2006 or so. I did do one shoot in 2009 over Memorial Day weekend, but that was the last one.
Why did I stop? Well, I put on a lot of weight. Due to various reasons — being unable to walk or exercise when my ankle got bad; crappy eating habits; fibromyalgia and struggling to find a way to be active without hurting myself…back problems…you name it. I’m currently trying to lose the weight, but it’s been an uphill battle.
So I believed I was too fat to photograph. Yeah. Even back in 2009, when it wasn’t as bad, I cringe when I see those pictures. I looked horrible. And I felt I would continue to look horrible if I kept taking pictures. And there’s a real fear there. The fear of looking terrible and thus feeling terrible. It has been too strong to even think of doing self-portraits again. I’ve had some great ideas, but I always have to stop when I think of costuming. What will look good on me, what is thinning, what won’t make me look like a hippo. And that’s where I stop.
I’ve thought about this. I thought, well, I could just do close-ups of my face, or maybe just waist up. That could work, right? But how I am I gonna feel about the actual taking of the pictures? I’m gonna feel like crap.
And then I thought, well, no one necessarily has to see these pictures. There’s no law that says I have to share them. If I’m just trying to get over that fear, maybe some private pictures would make me feel better and less ugly. Of course, a lot of photography is meant to be seen…but I figured if I could somehow get over that fear, I could progress to the pictures I could show.
So that is my plan as of right now. I have a bunch of different things planned. One is High Dynamic Range photography, where you take three different exposures of the same picture and combine them in a digital program into something different and stunning. Levitation effects. Night shots. Painting with light. The ideas are endless. If only my heart would get on board.
I believe I can beat this. A huge part of me has been ignored for so long. I can feel the ideas trying to burst out of me. I dream photography. I dream about doing a shoot that would blow minds. I dream about exposing my soul, once again, in a photograph.
I can do this.