My Body, My Head, and I

Why are bodies? as the kids say. Or, translated: Why are bodies so demanding?

I’m a writer (obviously) and editor. I like to live in my head, which means I tend to ignore the fact that I’m not a brain in a jar. Sometimes my body makes demands, and when it doesn’t get what it wants, it complains — increasingly so, as I get older.

This summer I’ve been trying to pull myself out of the sedentary lifestyle that I’ve been seduced into by the pandemic and its attendant anxiety and depression. I love walking anywhere there are trees, but Toronto’s summers are humid and gross (and our winters and sometimes our springs are damp and gross; we have beautiful autumns, though). I enjoy doing yoga at home, where I can go at my own pace and modify as much as I need, but I can’t seem to make the habit stick. My beloved dance community ran for a few months in the spring after its pandemic hiatus; I’ve made it to only one dance so far, but am hoping to go regularly when it restarts in autumn.

Then there’s that demanding body. First my ankle complained. Then the ankle healed but my knee started acting up. Now I’m having a recurrence of an old wrist and shoulder issue…plus an eye issue that came up in the spring and isn’t going away.

Most of these aren’t huge problems, but they’re all annoying and concerning. Especially because they’re getting in the way of being able to exercise. Come on, body, I’m trying to give you what you want!

I’m having a lot of feelings about all this. I’m torn between “All bodies are good bodies; health is not a determinant of worth” and “I need to get a handle on this now because if I don’t, in ten years it will be that much worse” with a side of “How could I let my body get into this state?” from my Inner Critic. (Mental health, that’s how.) I also have some time-sensitive things I’d like to do that would be more enjoyable if my body and/or mind were more cooperative, so that’s frustrating too.

But there are other voices, too. It helps that I follow body-positive folks and disability advocates on social media (shout-out to Lindley Ashline, Katie Sturino, Liberal Jane, Joni Rae Latham, Neurodivergent Rebel, and others) and have supportive family and friends who share their own wise perspectives.

I remind myself that healing takes the time it takes, that getting fitter is not a race. I remind myself to celebrate my body for what it can do and be kind about what it can’t. I remind myself to be kind to it in general — and to be kind to my head, too. After all, my body and head and I are in this together.