There is a serious problem in my hometown. It borders on an epidemic.
There are no cue balls in any bowling alley billiards rooms.
You’d think they’d want us to hand over our $1.00 and play the game. You’d think they’d want us to know that their establishment can be trusted to have cue balls. You’d think they would care.
What are two pool enthusiasts to do with no cue balls anywhere? It’s a chilling thought. A thought that makes my palms sweat and gives me nightmares.
It all started when hubby and I were dating. We started playing pool at a nearby bowling alley (where we also were part of a league, now defunct). It was nice, it was familiar, and it had cue balls all the time. Maybe they kept extra in case they disappeared. Maybe they cared. But we had a logistical problem. We’d be going out of our way just to play pool, and that didn’t make sense, so we tried bowling alleys close by.
And that’s when the problem started.
First one we tried had cue balls. Oh yes. One per table. It was absolutely glorious. Here we were, playing away, when suddenly the cue ball dropped.
And didn’t come back. It just disappeared, as if a hand just grabbed it and took it away from us.
We weren’t too concerned. After all, there was another cue ball to use, and use it we did.
Until the damn thing dropped. And never came back.
We scratched our heads and considered asking someone to search for them, those poor missing cue balls, but we didn’t want to cause trouble. After all, not everyone worries about missing cue balls, right? We’re unique. We care. They could be lost, terrified because they don’t know where they are. They could have been stolen and taken to a different pool table in a different bowling alley, which had to be traumatic. Or, maybe they just disappeared into thin air, never to be seen again. One could go insane considering all those possibilities.
So we left, sending up a prayer that the cue balls somehow find their way back home.
Tonight hubby and I decided to try our luck at a different bowling alley, one that did have cue balls in the past. We paid our money and the balls dropped. Hubby racked them and stopped dead. “Honey,” he says, looking confused. “There’s no cue ball.”
A panicked feeling overtakes me. Oh no, not again! But sure enough, we investigated it and looked in every nook and cranny of that room. And…nada. No friggin cue balls at all.
This time, we asked the nice girl at the counter for help. She had no idea. A nice guy looked — and looked some more — but ultimately was defeated. We got our money back and just for kicks, we tried to play using the solid 1 ball as the cue, but that one dropped immediately. “Well, looks like we lost our cue ball.” We were very, very depressed. Here we had the makings of a great game and we had no cue ball. So we tried to drop anything and everything, and as usual, hubby dropped the most.
Damn him.
Once when we were camping, we found a “play room” that had a pool table. Omigod, we were so excited! We could play pool while camping!
But lo and behold, after starting a nail-biting, sweating bullets kind of game, we lost our damn cue ball.
We concluded that that table was haunted. That the Ghost of Pool Players Past took it for revenge. Because too many pool players won, and he couldn’t have that, oh no….
So I think it’s a conspiracy. I’ve been trying to win a game, fair and square (and not by default), since hubby and I started dating. I’ve gotten pretty good at pool, I have to say. But someone, somewhere, does not want to see me win. It would upset the natural order of things, and we can’t have that. Who, me, actually win a game? Hell no!
So this person — or entity, as I’m not ruling out non-humans — doesn’t want me to win. He thinks that if I had a chance, I would win. So he’s out to discourage me. He does this by stealing all the cue balls all over the state. I’d bet the billiards rooms of every single bowling alley in this state are missing cue balls. And let’s face it, you can’t play a proper pool game without them.
Well, I think it’s time we rise up against this menace and take our cue balls back, one at a time! Tomorrow I’m going to buy a hundred cue balls and I’m going to replace them. And say a prayer for those missing in action.
He will not win. He will not conquer me. He won’t keep me from winning a damn pool game.
So…anyone got a cue ball I can borrow?